The Cool Part of Heaven
by LesiaRaff
Summary: A short fic contemplating the Doctor's deaths, and fictional death in general, set in the part of heaven where the cool people go...


Some friends and I were talking the other day about how all of the Doctor's deaths seem to be so impossible and unrealistic. What's wrong with him dying like a normal person for once? Then we all stopped and considered how truly awful that would be. This is what I came up with…

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, especially not Twix. (Which I thought it would be best to clarify, as they're probably the most likely to sue… if any of the CEOs has a bad sense of humour _and_ a penchant for reading fanfiction)

**THE COOL PART OF HEAVEN:**

_(The Twelfth Doctor_ _traverses the pearly gates…)_

7th Doctor: Hello there! Welcome to Heaven, future version of myself! Come on over, the whole gang's here!

Jesus: Hi! Nice to meet you. I can't stay and chat for long, I'm afraid.

4th Doctor: Really? Why?

Jesus: Well, I've been here two and a half days already; I'm gonna have to resurrect myself soon.

Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, me too.

The League of Nations: Sherlock Holmes? What are you doing here?

Sherlock Holmes: Arthur Conan Doyle wanted to kill me, but I'm just so popular he's going to have to bring me back.

8th Doctor: _(under breath) _Ninety… lousy… minutes!

Harry Potter: I was killed by my archenemy, but he didn't realise that he was part of me, so by killing me, he was actually killing part of himself! I have to go and kill him now.

Caesar: But if he killed you, how can you go back and kill him?

Harry Potter: Because I'm also a part of him, so I can use that part of me to come back to life!

Einstein: But wouldn't you then just kill that part of yourself that's in him and then die again?

Harry Potter: Nah, that won't happen.

3rd Doctor: Who told you that?

Harry Potter: A magical talking painting which looks like my old headmaster.

Gandalf the Grey: I've only got an hour and a half before I have to reincarnate in a more impressive form, but I do know some stuff about wizardry and that's just a painting; it's not actually Dumbledore.

Harry Potter: Nope, I'm pretty sure it's really him.

King Arthur: Dear friends, I too must someday part from this our heavenly host, in order to re-join my beloved Britain in her time of need!

6th Doctor: Surely that time is now? I mean, the financial crisis has made it so that England has more debt than the rest of Europe put together.

King Arthur: Nonsense. I'm sure the British people could elect somebody responsible to take care of things.

Pablo Picasso: It's a hung vote…

Richard the Lion Hearted: Lord help us, David Cameron's in power…

George III: With Nick Clegg! Even I wasn't _that_ incompetent!

King Arthur: Oh, I don't know, I thought one or two of his arguments were convincing…

Winston Churchill: WE JUST LOST 4 - 1 TO GERMANY!

King Arthur: I'M COMING, SWEET ALBION!

Mohandas K Gandhi: You guys suck at cricket, too! XP

Queen Elizabeth the First: Shut it, you!

Steve Irwin: Hey, don't go treating us colonies like that!

Gandhi: Thank you.

Steve Irwin: You're welcome. We've all got to stick together.

Mozart: Steve Irwin? Eep! I'm such a huge fan!

John Keats: Ah, Wolfgang, you've made it… The great die young, don't we?

Elvis: Hi guys, what have I missed?

Jesus: Nooo! I believed you were still alive!

Elvis: _(rolls eyes)_ That was decades ago, Jay. I die eventually of old age.

1st Doctor: Finally! Somebody reasonable. I don't understand the need these young people have for flashy deaths.

Yossarian: Quite.

10th Doctor: Oy! Don't be knocking flashy deaths!

9th Doctor: Yeah! Those take effort, they do! I had to swallow the entire time vortex!

Jack Harkness: I got shot in the head.

Jack Harkness: And I got zapped by a Dalek!

Jack Harkness: And I got crushed to death.

Jack Harkness: Me too.

Jack Harkness: Me too!

Jack Harkness: Me too!

Jack Harkness: Oh yeah? Well I got sexed to death by having sex with a hot alien sex monster!

Jim Carrey's Self Respect: Niiiiiice!

11th Doctor: Honestly Nine, you should have just let that bomb explode, there are millions of him running around up here!

2nd Doctor: Come on people, we're being rude to our guest! So, Twelve, what did you do to get up here?

12th Doctor: Well… Umm… I…

Alexander the Great: Go on, out with it!

12th Doctor: Well, I was eating this Twix bar, you see, 'cause they haven't got any nuts in and I'm allergic, only I didn't see on the label where it said that Twix were made in a factory which also _processed_ nuts…

DOWN ON EARTH:

The Ghost of Ron Grainer: Oh the horror… The horror…

Russell T. Davies: I'm so sorry… I tried to stop them… but I'm not in charge of the plots anymore!

The Ghost of Ron Grainer: That's alright Russell… I know you did your best… I just don't know how I'm going to break this to Sydney…

The Ghost of Sydney Newman: I heard! Oh, what in the name of W2XB have they done to my show?

Vince Tyler: _(sobs)_ Such… a lame… death!

_(The four of them cry quietly for a while...)_


End file.
